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Thread: For the Women

  1. #61
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    Re: For the Women

    Bill comes across a very attractive woman in his new apartment

    He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.

    As they talk, her robe slips open and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and sighs, "Lets go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

    He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

    She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

    Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  2. #62
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    Re: For the Women

    An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

    The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes."

    The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes."

    The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

    The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

    The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  3. #63
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    Re: For the Women

    It turns out - beer is bad for you - really! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens - and that by drinking enough beer, men began to act like women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

    1) Argued over nothing.

    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

    3) Gained weight.

    4) Talked excessively without making sense.

    5) Became overly emotional

    6) Couldn't drive.

    7) Failed to think rationally, and

    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary!!
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  4. #64
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    Re: For the Women

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #65
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    It turns out - beer is bad for you - really! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer - hops contain Phytoestrogens....
    So my suspicions have been right all along!

    Radically Canadian!

  6. #66
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    Re: For the Women

    A man's wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
    He walks in. She turns and says, "You’ve got to make love to me this very moment."
    His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
    Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
    Afterwards she says, "Thanks, " and returns to the stove.
    More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

    She explains, "The egg timer’s broken."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  7. #67
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    Re: For the Women

    A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

    ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

    ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

    Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

    ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  8. #68
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    Re: For the Women

    Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

    As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

    And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

    So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

    Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

    He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

    Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

    His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  9. #69
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    Re: For the Women

    Three men, an avid golf threesome, were considering adding a fourth to their weekly round. That day, a new woman overheard the guys talking about their golf game. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

    One of the men said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. They figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

    The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.

    They rolled their eyes, but said okay.

    She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

    The third week, the guys showed up with a new intensity to win. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. On this day, the women played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

    Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

    The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.."When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his Wee Duff was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

    One of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

    She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  10. #70
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    Re: For the Women

    Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

    Period.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  11. #71
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    Re: For the Women

    A genie appeared in front of a woman.

    "Whatever you want, as many things as you want, just ask " the genie said.

    "My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

    "And then ..?"

    "He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

    "And then?"

    "He should never sleep without me by his side."

    "And then ..?"

    "When he wakes up in the morning he should only see my face first."

    "And then ..?"

    "He should not go anywhere without me."

    "And then ..?"

    "If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."

    "And then ..?"

    "That's it."

    And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a smartphone!
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  12. #72
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    Re: For the Women

    When a girl says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, that means she will be.

    You don't have to remind her every 15 minutes.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  13. #73
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    Re: For the Women

    3 women rob a bank

    A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

    They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

    With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

    The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the redhead in the bag first, she meows. He says "oh, just a litter of kittens" Kicks the brunettes bag, and hears "ruff ruff" Ahh, just some stray pups. Kicks the last bag with the blonde hiding in it, and hears her say "Potatoes"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  14. #74
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    Re: For the Women

    Been watching women’s golf on the TV this morning...

    They don’t appear to be very good at driving but they’re great with an iron.

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  15. #75
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    Re: For the Women

    a vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

    Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood.

    Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess..." he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head.

    "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?"

    The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival.

    Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup.

    "I'm making tea..."

    SORRY!!!!
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  16. #76
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    Re: For the Women

    Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

    The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

    Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

    Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  17. #77
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

    The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

    Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

    Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
    Meh, I would’ve sat down right then. If the other person is that insecure, too bad for her!

  18. #78
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    Re: For the Women

    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

    Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

    “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

    After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  19. #79
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    Re: For the Women

    What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

    They’re both meat substitutes.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  20. #80
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    Re: For the Women

    A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

    After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  21. #81
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    Re: For the Women

    A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom..

    making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

    "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"

    The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."

    "Fine, go ahead", the wife sobbed, "but they will be the last words you say to me!"

    The husband began:

    "Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."

    "She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."

    "Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."

    "She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."

    "I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."

    "I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."

    "I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."

    The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:

    "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”...
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  22. #82
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    Re: For the Women

    A woman goes to her gynecologist.

    “What seems to be the problem?” Asked the gyno.

    “Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

    The gynecologist has a look, chuckles and says,

    “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear. They’re the stickers off the bananas.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  23. #83
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    Re: For the Women

    A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

    She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

    "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

    He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  24. #84
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    Re: For the Women

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  25. #85
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    Re: For the Women

    My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!”

    What a weird way to start a conversation
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  26. #86
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    Re: For the Women

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  27. #87
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    Re: For the Women



    just trying to make you feel at home after all the garbage.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  28. #88
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    Re: For the Women

    Awwww that’s so sweet, thank you so much. You da best-est

    How did you know I always read these hahaha
    Last edited by Smartie123; 06-18-2019 at 12:01 AM.

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