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Thread: For the Women

  1. #1
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    Attention For the Women

    For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Is it really 80%?!? Wow.

    (Yup, that's the only part I'm going to comment about )

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    Re: For the Women

    Guess I found one in the 20% range who still wants to get married

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    Re: For the Women

    A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards...

    You need a Heart to love them.
    You need a Diamond to marry them.
    You need a Club to beat them.
    And you need a Spade to bury the b@stards.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Girl asks her mother: What is sex?

    Mother: Sex is when you stop a car driven by a man who offers you a meal in a restaurant, then you spend some time with him in the hotel room, sleep with him once, and then each one go on his way and you have a hundred dollars bill extra in your pocket.

    Then the girl asks her mother: What is Super Sex?

    Mother: Super sex is when you stop a limousine driven by Chauffeur and a stylish man is sitting in the back who takes you to a luxurious villa, gives you a sumptuous meal with distinctive Caviar...and then you spend the night together in bed and engage in sex more than once, and then you part with an envelope containing a thousand dollars in your pocket.

    And then the girl asks her mother: What is love?

    Mother: Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex with you for free.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post

    And then the girl asks her mother: What is love?

    Mother: Love is a lie invented by men so that they can have sex with you for free.

    That's exactly what my mama told me!

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    Re: For the Women

    Sexist Jokes: Women

    Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
    A: The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

    Q: Why do women get married in white?
    A: So they match the kitchen appliances!

    Q: Why will Sarah Palin never win the presidency?
    A: There's no kitchen in the Oval Office

    Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
    A: Walking the dog is relaxing.

    Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A: A battery has a positive side.

    Q: Why don't women wear watches?
    A: There's a clock on the stove.

    Q: Why do women have short feet?
    A: So they can stand closer to the stove.

    Q: Why don't women need drivers licenses?
    A: There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

    Q: Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
    A: Because she was a woman.

    Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
    A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.


    Sexist Jokes: Men

    Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
    A: Both of them.

    Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
    A: He buys two cases of beer.

    Q: What did God say when he created Adam?
    A: I can do better than this.

    Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    A: A widow.

    Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
    A: It saves them a lot of time.

    Husband: Want a quickie?
    Wife: As opposed to what?

    Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America?
    A: A tourist.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    All of Women's sex related questions, Answered

    Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
    A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf.Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
    for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

    Q: What is "afterplay" ?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
    while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the ~ censor ~ matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male ~ censor ~ measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

    Q: Are you sure?
    A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something?
    Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Story of a Woman who just turned 47

    When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

    When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

    In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

    When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

    When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.

    He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

    When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

    I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dlck.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Wal Mart are pleased to announce the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines.
    Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
    To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
    Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

    FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS
    1 Drive up to the cash machine.
    2 Wind down your car window.
    3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
    6 Wind up window
    7 Drive off

    FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
    1 Drive up to cash machine
    2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
    3 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    4 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
    5 Attempt to insert card into machine
    6 Wind down the window
    7 Re-attempt to insert card into machine
    8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
    9 Insert card
    10 Insert card the right way up
    11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
    12 Enter PIN.
    13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    14 Enter amount of cash required
    15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
    16 Retrieve cash and receipt
    17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
    18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
    19 Re-check make-up again
    20 Drive forwards 2 metres
    21 Reverse back to cash machine
    22 Retrieve card
    23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
    24 Re-check make-up
    25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
    26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
    27 Release hand brake
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Q: Why do some men give names to their penises?
    A: They want to be on a first-name basis with the one that makes all their decisions for them.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
    Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive in fact; he's ugly as sin and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?
    Well, said the barman, I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
    "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
    "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
    "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
    So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
    "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
    "And so?" asked the first flea.
    "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
    Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says Excuse me, but do you know that man's secret? I mean, he's not what you'd call attractive in fact; he's ugly as sin and yet the ladies adore him. I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to score all night. What's going on?
    Well, said the barman, I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.
    Sooo, with this Jabba the Hutt clone in the bar, does this make the bar a "no fly zone ? "

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    Re: For the Women

    A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
    The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"
    The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
    The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"
    The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."
    The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penls..... AND a brain.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    A couple of women were picking potatoes in a field one autumn day. The first woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles. The other woman said Are his testicles that big??? The first woman replied, No, they're that filthy.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
    The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's a$$hole. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he proceeds. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
    Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, It HURTS, doesn't it?
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, Robert proposed to me an hour ago.Then why are you so sad? her mother asked. Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell! Her mother replied, Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    I was cruising around the Internet on my laptop when I came across an item that caught my attention. "You know, honey," I commented to my wife, "I think there might be some merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling block to the son."
    "Well, thank heaven," she said, "at least our son has nothing standing in his way."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

    HE: Can I buy you a drink?
    SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

    HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

    HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
    SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

    HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
    SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

    HE: I think I could make you very happy.
    SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

    HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
    SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

    HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Hiding from you.

    HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
    SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

    HE: Is this seat empty?
    SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    HE: So, what do you do for a living?
    SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

    HE: Can I buy you a drink?
    SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

    HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

    HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
    SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

    HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
    SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

    HE: I think I could make you very happy.
    SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

    HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
    SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

    HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Hiding from you.

    HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
    SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

    HE: Is this seat empty?
    SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    HE: So, what do you do for a living?
    SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
    I've been on the receiving end of most of those.

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    Re: For the Women

    The art of understanding women.....

    From life, literature, film and poetry, we impart a few of our favourite quotes on the art of understanding women, or as it seems…not understanding women.

    1. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
    – Robert A. Heinlein

    2. “There are two ways to rule a women and nobody knows them…”
    – Anon

    3. “To understand one woman is not necessarily to understand any other woman.”
    – John Stuart Mill

    4. “When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing here for who I’m supposed to be today.’”
    – Caitlin Moran

    5. “Women only nag when they feel unappreciated.”
    – Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

    6. “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.”
    – Dave Barry

    7. “There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”
    – Will Rogers

    8. “The Creator made women to please the eye, and to boggle the mind.”
    – Robert Jordan, The Wheel of Time: Boxed Set

    9. “I don’t think anyone can teach you how to be a man but a woman. You only learn by learning what they need.”
    – Ryan Gosling

    10. “Men and women play the same game but with different rules.”
    – Habeeb Akande

    11. “No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.”
    – H.L. Mencken

    12. “A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.”
    – Arnold Haultain

    13. “If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.”
    – Aristotle Onassis

    14. “After about twenty years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of that one (understanding women) and I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.”
    – Mel Gibson

    15. “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”
    – Woody Allen
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


    EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!


    MONEY

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


    BATHROOMS

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


    ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


    FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


    MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


    DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


    NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing...
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    testing



    Recent scientific studies have found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
    For instance, if she is ovulating;
    She is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
    And if she is menstruating;
    She is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse…
    Further studies are expected.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

    Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

    Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

    Wife: oh god.

    Kidnapper: what?

    Wife. you have my husband.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: For the Women

    Who says men don't remember?

    A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

    In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

    The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

    He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  29. #29
    Join Date
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    Re: For the Women

    Women still marry/ enter significant committed relationships with guys like the ones in your jokes?

  30. #30
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Re: For the Women

    Obviously. Otherwise, what else would they have to do except improve them.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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