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Thread: For the Women

  1. #31
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    Re: For the Women

    A woman talks to her husband about her yearly physical

    The wife told him, "The doctor said that for a forty-year old I have a twenty-year old's breasts!"

    The husband replies, "what about your forty-year old ass?"

    The wife answers his question by saying, "I don't think you came up at all in our conversation."
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  2. #32
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    Re: For the Women

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
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  3. #33
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    Re: For the Women

    Three men died and ended up in heaven...

    They were greeted by a saint who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a duck." The men all agreed to not step on any ducks and they went on their way.

    The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up tripping over a duck. The saint appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist.

    The second man lasted a week before he tripped over a duck as well. The saint appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist.

    The third man went years without ever stepping on a duck. Out of the blue, the saint appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?"

    The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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  4. #34
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    Re: For the Women

    After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

    Let her keep sleeping.
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    Re: For the Women

    A man walks up to a woman at a nude beach.

    "Hi, my name is Ed." he says.

    "What's it short for?" she asks.

    Thoughtful, he looks down a moment, before answering,

    "I dunno, it's always been like that."
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  6. #36
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    Re: For the Women

    Well you know what women say these days "Hey, why go out and buy the whole pig when all you want is a little sausage?"

    Radically Canadian!

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    Re: For the Women

    Husband says to his wife “How come you never tell me when you orgasm?”

    Wife says “I don’t like calling you at work”.
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  8. #38
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    Re: For the Women

    A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

    So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

    Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

    "Dave, is that you?".
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  9. #39
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    Re: For the Women

    A woman goes to the doctor and says, “I’m a little embarrassed, but every time I go to the bathroom, I pee nickels, dimes, and quarters. What is wrong with me?”

    The doctor answers her, “There’s nothing wrong with you miss. You’re just going through the change. “
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    Re: For the Women

    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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  11. #41
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    Re: For the Women

    A lady sneezes on a plane

    The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
    The man went back to his reading.
    A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
    Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
    A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
    Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
    "I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
    The woman nodded, "Pepper.”
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  12. #42
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    Re: For the Women

    When women get to a certain age they begin to accumulate cats

    This is known as many paws.
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    Re: For the Women

    A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

    The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

    Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

    Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

    The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

    She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
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  14. #44
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    Re: For the Women

    I'm selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

    Me: “So it’s between the 54 and the 58 inch TV, right?”

    Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

    Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

    Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”

    Wife: “I would!”
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  15. #45
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    Re: For the Women

    This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

    So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

    He answers, "$35."

    She: "How much for the black one?"

    He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

    She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes.

    A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35."

    She: "How much for the white one?"

    He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

    She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."She pays him, and off she goes.

    About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

    He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

    She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

    He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

    Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

    To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  16. #46
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    Re: For the Women

    Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

    In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

    In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
    Pretty much. It’s a smart approach

  18. #48
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    Re: For the Women

    My wife glared at me from across the table and said, “You weren't even listening were you!”

    I couldn't help thinking "Huh. That's an odd way to start a conversation”.
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  19. #49
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    Re: For the Women

    At the dinner table one night...

    ...a father asked his son how his day in school went.

    "Oh, it was great, Dad! I got a part in the school play."

    "Really?" said the father. "Tell me about it."

    "Well, I play the part of a man who's been married 20 years."

    The father said, "That's great, son. And if you do a good job, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  20. #50
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    At the dinner table one night...

    ...a father asked his son how his day in school went.

    "Oh, it was great, Dad! I got a part in the school play."

    "Really?" said the father. "Tell me about it."

    "Well, I play the part of a man who's been married 20 years."

    The father said, "That's great, son. And if you do a good job, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
    I'm gonna risk telling the Mrs. the last two jokes, piz. If you don't hear from me for awhile tell the cops to look into any fresh turned over soil in my backyard.

  21. #51
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    Re: For the Women

    Blonde Men (It was only a matter of time)

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
    He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
    ------------------------------ ------
    A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
    He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    ------------------------------ ------
    A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor
    "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
    ------------------------------ ---
    A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
    "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
    ------------------------------ ------
    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
    To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
    ------------------------------ --------
    A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
    The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th"
    ------------------------------ ------
    Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
    One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
    The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
    ------------------------------ ------
    A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
    To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  22. #52
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    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    Blonde Men (It was only a matter of time)

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
    He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
    ------------------------------ ------
    A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
    He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
    ------------------------------ ------
    A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor
    "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
    ------------------------------ ---
    A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
    "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
    ------------------------------ ------
    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
    To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
    ------------------------------ --------
    A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
    The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th"
    ------------------------------ ------
    Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
    One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
    The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
    ------------------------------ ------
    A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
    To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
    Why do blonde women have big belly buttons?
    From dating blonde men.
    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  23. #53
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    Re: For the Women

    Question:
    Do blonde jokes only apply to people with naturally blonde hair?
    Always wondered.

  24. #54
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by Smartie123 View Post
    Question:
    Do blonde jokes only apply to people with naturally blonde hair?
    Always wondered.
    down there is never checked for qualification.
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    down there is never checked for qualification.
    Huh?

  26. #56
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    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: For the Women

    Quote Originally Posted by Smartie123 View Post
    Huh?
    Carpet, drapes, etc, etc
    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

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    Re: For the Women

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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  28. #58
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    Re: For the Women

    I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

    And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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    Re: For the Women

    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

    Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

    The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

    Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”

    The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
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    Re: For the Women

    I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

    She's a sea cup
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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