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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4081

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Husband:
    My wife is missing.
    She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

    Sergeant at Police Station:
    What is her height?

    Husband:
    Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

    Sergeant:
    Weight?

    Husband:
    Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

    Sergeant:
    Color of eyes?

    Husband:
    Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

    Sergeant:
    Color of hair?

    Husband:
    Changes a couple times a year.
    Maybe dark brown now.
    I can’t remember.

    Sergeant:
    What was she wearing?

    Husband:
    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

    Sergeant:
    What kind of car did she go in?

    Husband:
    She went in my Jeep.

    Sergeant:
    What kind of Jeep was it?

    Husband: (sobbing)
    It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
    (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

    Sergeant:
    Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
    __________________

  2. #4082

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Last time i went for a medical checkup and lab tests, my doctor said,
    "You're a very sick man!"

    I said, "I want a second opinion!"
    My doctor said, "OK you're ugly and fat too".

  3. #4083

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home early and a guy was joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

    It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

    I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

    I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

    One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

  4. #4084
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #4085
    Join Date
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  6. #4086
    Join Date
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  7. #4087
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by coach_ditka View Post
    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home early and a guy was joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

    It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

    I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

    I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

    One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
    Dangerfield, king of the one liners.

  8. #4088

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Might as well CLOSE this thread down ....That clip was PURE GOLD !!!

  9. #4089

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Old doctor & young doctor

    A young doctor has moved out to a small community to replace an older
    doctor who is retiring
    The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
    so the community could become use to a new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
    The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
    Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."

    As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?
    How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

    "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
    When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
    the trash.
    That was what probably was making her sick."

    The younger doctor said "pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think
    I'll try that at the next house."

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
    younger woman.
    She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,
    "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

    "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger
    doctor told her.
    "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

    As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your
    diagnosis is almost certainly
    correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

    ”I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and,
    when I bent down to retrieve it,
    I noticed the pastor under the bed.”
    ************************************************** ***************************************






    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”


    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ......but I fish on Fridays."
    ************************************************** ***************************************





    I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
    She replied 'No,we have a problem,we are a couple,we are married,we are a unit,
    your problem is my problem we are in this together!'
    Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
    But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
    I then had to explain to her that 'WE have got your sister pregnant!.'
    ************************************************** ***********************************

    After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.
    Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first!
    ************************************************** ************************************

    As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
    I said, "How come?"
    He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."
    ************************************************** *************************************
    I asked my wife to give me some oral relief today.
    "Do you want me to s**k you off?" She asked.
    "No," I replied, "I want you to shut the f*#k up!"

  10. #4090

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.

    To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.

    There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.

    She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!

    The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

    The next day, two RCMP members who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.

    One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.”

    The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

    She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

    One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

    The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

    At this, one RCMP member looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”

  11. #4091
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  12. #4092
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  13. #4093
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  14. #4094
    Join Date
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  15. #4095

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

    12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a ***** in front of your older brother's friends.

    It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

    12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

    12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

    Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

    12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

    12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

    Is that blood?

    False alarm.

    That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

    1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

    You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

    You meet Jesus.

    8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

    You're broken.

    Your *******'s broken.

    Your spirit's broken.

    Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

    -unknown

  16. #4096

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Women can be confusing
    I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
    I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
    Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
    I tried this a few more times with no success.

    All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
    Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

    She opens the window and yelled to me,
    'You need a piece of tail.'

    I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,

    'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

    ************************************************** *****************
    #1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

    #2 It's important to have a woman who makes you laugh

    #3 It's important to have a woman you can trust, who does not lie to you.

    #4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and who likes to be with you.

    #5 Most Important rule, It's very very important that these 4 women do not know each other, or you could end up dead.
    ************************************************** *****************************************

  17. #4097
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
    …not screaming like the passengers in his car.

    A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "...five beers please".

    You are not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

    I entered ten puns in a contest, hoping to win. But ... no pun in ten did.

    I came up with a new word today; plagiarism.
    Last edited by Moon1; 08-13-2019 at 06:09 AM.

  18. #4098
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)


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