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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4111

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Psychiatrist vs Bartender

    As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So
    I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go
    to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
    going crazy.”
    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.... “Come
    talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
    those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars
    per visit,” replied the doctor.
    “I'll sleep on it,” I said.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you
    come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
    “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A
    bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
    money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
    “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask,
    did a bartender cure you?”
    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
    It’s always better to get a second opinion

  2. #4112
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An oldie, but a goodie, and timely:

    Dearest John:
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With dearest love and affection, Agnes

    ***

    December 15th

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love, Agnes

    ***

    December 16th

    Dear John:

    Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

    Love Agnes

    ***

    December 17th

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately, Agnes

    ***

    December 18th

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love, Agnes

    ***

    December 19th

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

    Cordially, Agnes

    ***

    December 20th

    John:

    What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

    Sincerely, Agnes

    ***

    December 21st

    OK Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

    Ag

    ***

    December 22nd

    Hey:

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

    From Ag

    ***

    December 23rd

    You Creep!

    Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

    One who means it, Ag

    ***

    December 24th

    Listen Idiot:

    What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

    Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

    ***

    December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    -Merry Christmas

  3. #4113
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    God bless ya, piz...

    ...Let's keep this thread going in his memory.
    Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

  4. #4114
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...


    RIP Piz

  5. #4115

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Esks4ever View Post
    I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...


    RIP Piz


    - - - Updated - - -

    I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

    I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

    He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

    "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little ****!"

    - - - Updated - - -

    I didn't know I was getting old until I saw grey hairs in my son's whiskers.

  6. #4116
    Steve Vale's Avatar
    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  7. #4117

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I'M ABSOLUTELY FUMING, CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
    WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 10X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
    I AM EXTREMELY ANNOYED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON Merry Christmas

  8. #4118

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The 58 year old woman went to her doctor and asked for a prescription for birth control pills.
    "But you don't need them at your age," her GP said.
    But the patient went on to explain that she had tried some recently and realized that she couldn't sleep well without them.
    "But birth control pills have no tranquilizing agent in them" the Doctor informed her.
    "Well, I don't know what they have or what they don't have in them, but I give them to my daughter before she goes out each night, and i'm telling you Doc, that I sleep much, much better."


    Medicinal Knowledge
    The lady teacher asks her pupils what kind of medicines they know of,
    and what they are used for:

    The first pupil said: Panadol?
    Very good! And what is it used for?
    It is used for a headache.

    The second pupil said: Piriton.
    Excellent. And what it is used for?
    To help you sleep.

    Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra.

    So, Johnny, What is it used for?
    I think it can be used to stop diarrhea.
    Who told you this?

    Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
    'Take a Viagra, maybe that little **** will get harder'.

    The teacher had to leave the room!



    Why Men Should NEVER fear being replaced by artificial devices....
    As the evening wore on, and with a few drinks under her belt, the very attractive and well endowed amazon in the tavern was expounding at length on the Women's Liberation Movement and about how she could get along sexually very nicely without any male involvement.
    After he had listened for quite some time to her harangue, the quiet sipper a few bar stools away suddenly interrupted.
    "OK, Miss Smartass" he rumbled, and as he gathered up his courage said, "If your vibrator can do anything a man can do, let's see it pay for the next round of drinks!"

  9. #4119
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Some George Carlin (1937 to 2008) Quotes:

    “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that”.

    “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”

    “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

    “Atheism is a non-profit organization.

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