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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4111

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Psychiatrist vs Bartender

    As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So
    I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go
    to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
    going crazy.”
    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.... “Come
    talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
    those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars
    per visit,” replied the doctor.
    “I'll sleep on it,” I said.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you
    come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
    “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A
    bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
    money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
    “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask,
    did a bartender cure you?”
    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
    It’s always better to get a second opinion

  2. #4112
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Sitting in front of a pint
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An oldie, but a goodie, and timely:

    Dearest John:
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With dearest love and affection, Agnes


    December 15th

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love, Agnes


    December 16th

    Dear John:

    Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

    Love Agnes


    December 17th

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately, Agnes


    December 18th

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love, Agnes


    December 19th

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

    Cordially, Agnes


    December 20th


    What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

    Sincerely, Agnes


    December 21st

    OK Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .



    December 22nd


    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

    From Ag


    December 23rd

    You Creep!

    Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

    One who means it, Ag


    December 24th

    Listen Idiot:

    What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

    Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister


    December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    -Merry Christmas

  3. #4113
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    Dec 2004
    Squamish, BC
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    God bless ya, piz...

    ...Let's keep this thread going in his memory.
    Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

  4. #4114
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    Sep 2003
    Edmonton Area
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...

    RIP Piz

  5. #4115

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Esks4ever View Post
    I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...

    RIP Piz

    - - - Updated - - -

    I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

    I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

    He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

    "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little ****!"

    - - - Updated - - -

    I didn't know I was getting old until I saw grey hairs in my son's whiskers.

  6. #4116
    Steve Vale's Avatar
    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  7. #4117

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)


  8. #4118

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The 58 year old woman went to her doctor and asked for a prescription for birth control pills.
    "But you don't need them at your age," her GP said.
    But the patient went on to explain that she had tried some recently and realized that she couldn't sleep well without them.
    "But birth control pills have no tranquilizing agent in them" the Doctor informed her.
    "Well, I don't know what they have or what they don't have in them, but I give them to my daughter before she goes out each night, and i'm telling you Doc, that I sleep much, much better."

    Medicinal Knowledge
    The lady teacher asks her pupils what kind of medicines they know of,
    and what they are used for:

    The first pupil said: Panadol?
    Very good! And what is it used for?
    It is used for a headache.

    The second pupil said: Piriton.
    Excellent. And what it is used for?
    To help you sleep.

    Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra.

    So, Johnny, What is it used for?
    I think it can be used to stop diarrhea.
    Who told you this?

    Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
    'Take a Viagra, maybe that little **** will get harder'.

    The teacher had to leave the room!

    Why Men Should NEVER fear being replaced by artificial devices....
    As the evening wore on, and with a few drinks under her belt, the very attractive and well endowed amazon in the tavern was expounding at length on the Women's Liberation Movement and about how she could get along sexually very nicely without any male involvement.
    After he had listened for quite some time to her harangue, the quiet sipper a few bar stools away suddenly interrupted.
    "OK, Miss Smartass" he rumbled, and as he gathered up his courage said, "If your vibrator can do anything a man can do, let's see it pay for the next round of drinks!"

  9. #4119
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    Nov 2007
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Some George Carlin (1937 to 2008) Quotes:

    “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that”.

    “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”

    “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

    “Atheism is a non-profit organization.

  10. #4120
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Some amusing sports quotes:

    “All pro athletes are bilingual, they speak English and profanity”.
    - Gordie Howe

    “Its just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up”.
    - Mohammed Ali

    “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”.
    - Joe Theismann

    “I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers ... I mean Chargers”.
    - Bill Belichick

    “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
    - Rodney Dangerfield

  11. #4121
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

    A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

    I hate those wooden Russian full of themselves.

    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

    Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

  12. #4122

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Interesting health fact:

    Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!
    ************************************************** ******************************************

    A guy sees a good looking, we'll built young lady, so he goes to her and asks "may I bite your breasts for $10?" She shreaks "what?? No!" He says "how bout $100?" She replies "no, take a hike!" He says "come on, $1000?" She says "well... ok" so he takes her out of sight, and he's licking and sucking and fondling her breasts. Finally she says "well, hurry up! Are you going to bite them or what?" He says "naw... too expensive!"
    ************************************************** *****************************************

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..*
    He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.*
    Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..*
    The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.*
    The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.*
    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.*
    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.*
    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.*
    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.*
    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.*
    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
    The woman replied, "No. I'm with Revenue Canada."
    ************************************************** ******************************************

    The old don lay on his death bed breathing his last. His young spoiled son sat by his side.*
    "Come closer Vinny." said the old don. "I won't be around much longer now, and you are gonna have to take care a' things. I want you to have my chrome plated revolver; the one with pearl grips."
    Vinny: "I don't want your gun. Whatsa' matter with giving me your watch, instead?"
    The don: "Listen Vinny. Some day you gonna have a beautiful wife and some bambini with her. Nice house, nice cars. You gonna be out makin' money, and you come home early. You climb the stairs and maybe you find a fella in your bed with your wife!"
    "What you gonna do then? Point to you watch, and say: "Hey pal! Time's up!"
    ************************************************** *****************************************
    In the late Fall, the Indians out on the Siksika Nation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
    Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the Old Ways. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his people that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
    He went to the phone booth, called The Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
    So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called The Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
    'Yes,' the meteorologist again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
    The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
    Two weeks later, the Chief called The Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
    'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
    The watherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting tons of firewood.'
    ************************************************** ******************************************

    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "Still in the ditch with my Harley."

  13. #4123
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    Nov 2007
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

  14. #4124

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I was walking and talking with a First Nations Elder and as we went along we found a small rock in our path. The elder picked the rock up, looked at it intensely and told me, "This is a very sexual stone". I asked him in amazement how he knew such a thing.

    He looked at me like I was stupid and replied, "It's a F***ing Rock!!!"

    A man gets pulled over for speeding, the cop approaches his car and he rolls the window down,*
    Officer; licence and registration please.*
    Driver; sorry officer, I lost my licence after my third DUI, and as for registration, it's not my car, I stole it, but I think I saw it when I put my handgun in the glove box.
    Officer; you've got a gun in the glove box?
    Driver; yes sir, I used it to shoot the owner of the car... she's in the trunk.
    Officer; you've got a BODY in the trunk?*
    Driver; yes sir, I couldn't just leave her in the parking lot.
    Officer, DON'T MOVE!*
    Officer goes back to his car and within minutes 6 squad cars show up with sirens wailing and lights flashing!
    The chief cautiously approaches the drivers window.
    Chief; licence and registration please, driver hands it over, licence is valid, car is registered in his name,*
    Chief; open the glove box please, driver opens glove box, it's empty.
    Chief; pop the trunk please sir,*
    Driver pops the trunk, it's empty... chief approaches the drivers window again and says, I don't understand, the officer who pulled you over said that you had lost your licence, that you'd stolen the car, that you had a handgun in the glove box and a BODY in the trunk!*
    Driver; I'll bet that lying S.O.B said I was speeding too! Didn't he?
    ************************************************** **********************************
    Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
    As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.
    The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
    Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
    Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
    He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
    ************************************************** ****************************
    A man and woman dated for a long time and they were both very self conscious about something. She had stinky feet, and he had bad breath.
    They would always try to avoid situations where these flaws would be found out by the other person.
    Finally , one day the man asks the woman to marry him. She is concerned that now he will for sure find out about her stinky feet. And he was very worried that she would for sure find out he had bad breath.*
    The first night laying in their bed he pipes up and says, " Honey, I love you dearly but I have been keeping a secret from you. I need to reveal the secret."
    She says," I think I know what your secret is, ... You ate my socks."
    ************************************************** ****************************************
    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a
    quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
    "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
    with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
    That's when I made my mistake."
    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
    "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
    ************************************************** ***********************
    A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
    As the RCMP officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
    ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
    RCMP Patrolmen's Ball."
    He replied, "RCMP patrolmen don't have balls."
    There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
    just said.
    He then closed his book, got back into his car and left.
    ************************************************** ******************
    A pretty redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce
    and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
    mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized,
    she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he
    was a married man. "Oh, Lary," she sobbed at the conclusion
    of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together,
    the way we were meant to be?"
    Taking her by the shoulders, Larry proceeded to scold her
    for her lack of discretion and good judgment. "Snatched drinks
    in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried
    meetings in sordid motels rooms -- is that really what you
    want for us?"
    "No, no..." she sobbed; heartsick.
    "Damn," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

  15. #4125

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town Saturday night.
    One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
    She quietly called him over to her.
    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
    Trembling, he did as she directed.
    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
    "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
    "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
    "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
    Then she looked deep into his eyes and said, "If you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"
    (P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)

  16. #4126
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    “Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
    -The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

    Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
    Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

    I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

    Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
    Father: Really, what?
    Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

    A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
    The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
    “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25!” the driver defends himself.
    The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
    “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
    The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
    “What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
    “Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

  17. #4127

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

  18. #4128

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An Irishman walks into a bar,
    notices a very large jar on the counter,
    and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
    He guesses there's at least thousands of dollars in it.
    He approaches the bartender and asks,
    "What's with the money in the jar?"

    “Well ...
    you pay $10,
    and if you pass three tests,
    you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up,
    so he asks,
    "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first,"
    says the bartender,
    "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while,
    he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    says the bartender,
    "here's what you need to do:

    First …
    You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
    in 60 seconds or less,
    and you can't make a face while doing it."

    “Second …
    There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth.
    You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

    “Third …
    There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
    You have to take care of that problem."

    The man is stunned!
    “I know I paid my $10,
    but I'm not an idiot!
    I won't do it!
    You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
    and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call,"
    says the bartender,
    "but, your money stays where it is."

    The man has a few more drinks and finally says,
    "Where's the damn tequila?"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands
    and drinks it as fast as he can.
    Tears stream down both cheeks --
    but he doesn't make a face --
    and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    he staggers out the back door
    where the pit bull is chained to a pole.

    the people inside hear loud growling, screaming,
    and sounds of a terrible fight …
    then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
    he staggers back into the bar.
    His clothes are ripped to shreds
    and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He then drunkenly says,

    "Now …
    where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
    ************************************************** ***************************************
    I ordered Chinese food last night, when the Chinese delivery driver drove up and walked up to the house. I walked outside to meet him. He immediately started yelling isolate isolate! I replied relax man your not that late I only ordered the food a half hour ago.

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