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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4081

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Husband:
    My wife is missing.
    She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

    Sergeant at Police Station:
    What is her height?

    Husband:
    Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

    Sergeant:
    Weight?

    Husband:
    Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

    Sergeant:
    Color of eyes?

    Husband:
    Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

    Sergeant:
    Color of hair?

    Husband:
    Changes a couple times a year.
    Maybe dark brown now.
    I can’t remember.

    Sergeant:
    What was she wearing?

    Husband:
    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

    Sergeant:
    What kind of car did she go in?

    Husband:
    She went in my Jeep.

    Sergeant:
    What kind of Jeep was it?

    Husband: (sobbing)
    It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer......
    (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

    Sergeant:
    Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
    __________________

  2. #4082

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Last time i went for a medical checkup and lab tests, my doctor said,
    "You're a very sick man!"

    I said, "I want a second opinion!"
    My doctor said, "OK you're ugly and fat too".

  3. #4083

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home early and a guy was joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

    It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

    I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

    I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

    One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

  4. #4084
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #4085
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  6. #4086
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  7. #4087
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by coach_ditka View Post
    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

    The other day I came home early and a guy was joggingpast my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

    My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

    My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

    It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

    I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

    I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

    One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
    Dangerfield, king of the one liners.

  8. #4088

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Might as well CLOSE this thread down ....That clip was PURE GOLD !!!

  9. #4089

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Old doctor & young doctor

    A young doctor has moved out to a small community to replace an older
    doctor who is retiring
    The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
    so the community could become use to a new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
    The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
    Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."

    As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?
    How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

    "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
    When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
    the trash.
    That was what probably was making her sick."

    The younger doctor said "pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think
    I'll try that at the next house."

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
    younger woman.
    She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,
    "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

    "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger
    doctor told her.
    "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

    As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your
    diagnosis is almost certainly
    correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

    ”I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and,
    when I bent down to retrieve it,
    I noticed the pastor under the bed.”
    ************************************************** ***************************************






    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”


    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ......but I fish on Fridays."
    ************************************************** ***************************************





    I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
    She replied 'No,we have a problem,we are a couple,we are married,we are a unit,
    your problem is my problem we are in this together!'
    Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
    But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
    I then had to explain to her that 'WE have got your sister pregnant!.'
    ************************************************** ***********************************

    After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.
    Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first!
    ************************************************** ************************************

    As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
    I said, "How come?"
    He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."
    ************************************************** *************************************
    I asked my wife to give me some oral relief today.
    "Do you want me to s**k you off?" She asked.
    "No," I replied, "I want you to shut the f*#k up!"

  10. #4090

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.

    To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.

    There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.

    She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!

    The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

    The next day, two RCMP members who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.

    One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.”

    The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

    She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

    One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

    The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

    At this, one RCMP member looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”

  11. #4091
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  12. #4092
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  13. #4093
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  14. #4094
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  15. #4095

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

    12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a ***** in front of your older brother's friends.

    It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

    12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

    12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted **** in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

    Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

    12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

    12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The ****/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

    Is that blood?

    False alarm.

    That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your ******* to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid **** fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

    1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have **** out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your ******* now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

    You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

    You meet Jesus.

    8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

    You're broken.

    Your *******'s broken.

    Your spirit's broken.

    Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a **** stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

    -unknown

  16. #4096

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Women can be confusing
    I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
    I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
    Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
    I tried this a few more times with no success.

    All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
    Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

    She opens the window and yelled to me,
    'You need a piece of tail.'

    I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,

    'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

    ************************************************** *****************
    #1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

    #2 It's important to have a woman who makes you laugh

    #3 It's important to have a woman you can trust, who does not lie to you.

    #4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and who likes to be with you.

    #5 Most Important rule, It's very very important that these 4 women do not know each other, or you could end up dead.
    ************************************************** *****************************************

  17. #4097
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
    …not screaming like the passengers in his car.

    A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "...five beers please".

    You are not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

    I entered ten puns in a contest, hoping to win. But ... no pun in ten did.

    I came up with a new word today; plagiarism.
    Last edited by Moon1; 08-13-2019 at 07:09 AM.

  18. #4098
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)


  19. #4099
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  20. #4100
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

  21. #4101

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
    Who wants to try out first?"

    The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
    About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

    The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

    The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

    ************************************************** ****************************************
    Politics in layman`s Words !

    A little boy goes to his
    Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

    Dad says, 'Well son, let
    Me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the
    Family, so call me The Prime Minister.

    Your mother is the
    Administrator of the money,
    So we call her the Government.

    We are here to take care
    Of your needs, so we will call you the People.

    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

    So the little boy goes
    Off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he
    Hears his baby brother crying,
    So he gets up to check on him.

    He finds that the baby
    Has severely soiled his nappy.

    So the little boy goes
    To his parent's room
    And finds his mother asleep.

    Not wanting to wake her,

    He goes to the nanny's room.
    Finding the door locked,

    he peeks in the keyhole and

    Sees his father in bed with the nanny..

    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the
    Little boy say's to his father,

    'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

    The father says,

    'Good, son, tell me in your own words
    What you think politics is all about.'

    The little boy replies,

    'The Prime Minister
    Is screwing the Working Class

    While the Government is sound asleep.
    The People are being ignored and
    The Future is in deep ****.'

  22. #4102
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

    I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

    What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

    Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

    Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
    The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

    It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

  23. #4103
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Why did the chicken go to the seance? Well, of course, to get to the other side.

  24. #4104

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

    Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

    "Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

    Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

    "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

    Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?

    Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..

    Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
    If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

    THE NUN FAINTED!

  25. #4105
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    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Q: Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

    A: Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  26. #4106
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    When I worked at Safeway advertising the copy writer was pretty pleased with himself when he was able to get "Master Bakers" into the flyers.

  27. #4107

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Little Suzie walks in on mommy and daddy as they are making love.
    She asks" what are you doing?"
    Mommy says We are trying to make you a little brother or sister.
    Suzie says Can you do it doggy style? I'd rather have a puppy!

  28. #4108

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
    #pizmostrong

  29. #4109
    Steve Vale's Avatar
    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Attached Images Attached Images
    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  30. #4110

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A sweet young professional lady that worked in the legal business was having her annual dental check up when the dentist discovered a small cavity.
    "It needs to be filled, and it won't hurt a bit" assured the dentist, as he bent over her with the drill bit spinning.
    Seconds later, the dentist drew back and exclaimed "Mademoiselle, you have grabbed my testicles!!!"
    "Yes, I know, doctor" she purred, "And we don't want to hurt each other, do we?"




    A fella asked his pharmacist friend for a powerful aphrodisiac for himself, explaining that he had invited two nymphomaniacal girls to spend the night with him at his apartment.
    The druggist complied with his request and advised him that he take it right away, since it would require some time for its full effect to be felt.
    The next morning, the young man returned to the drugstore in what was obviously a state of near collapse.
    "You seem to be pretty much worse for wear" said the druggist enviously.
    "Never mind that", groaned the fellow, "just give me some linament".
    "For your penis?" inquired the druggist.
    "No, for my arm. The two girls didn't show".




    Who Says men don`t remember !!

    A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

    She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

    In a quiet voice he said: “ Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn`t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day ?’’

    The wife choked up and started to cry and said: “ Yes I do remember that shop!”

    He replied : Well, I`m in the Pub next door watching football !




    A man grew desperate at being dragged along by his wife on Saturdays and NFL Sundays on expeditions to purchase Xmas gifts for their family as he was consigned to carry the packages and watch her purse.
    During one such excursion, his wife decided to also shop for some items for herself. As she elbowed her way into a crowd at the lingerie-sale-counter, she held up a pair of flimsy panties and asked her hubby quite audibly if he liked them.
    "I certainly do, darling", he answered brightly, "but I don't think that your husband would approve of them at all."
    The following weekend, he got to stay at home and watch football.




    I went by the house I grew up in the other day. I asked if I could come in and look around.
    They said "NO" and slammed the door!
    My parents can be so rude!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Virgin Island Activities
    Two buddies at lunch were discussing their recent travels.
    "What was the highlight of your trip to that remote South Sea Island?" asked the first.
    "I decided to reverse an ancient tradition with a lovely maiden there" replied the adventurous traveler.
    "Just what do you mean by that?" inquired the first.
    "I pushed a volcano into a virgin" was the reply.

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