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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4111

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Psychiatrist vs Bartender

    As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So
    I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go
    to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
    going crazy.”
    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.... “Come
    talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
    those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars
    per visit,” replied the doctor.
    “I'll sleep on it,” I said.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you
    come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
    “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A
    bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
    money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
    “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask,
    did a bartender cure you?”
    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
    It’s always better to get a second opinion

  2. #4112
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An oldie, but a goodie, and timely:

    Dearest John:
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With dearest love and affection, Agnes

    ***

    December 15th

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love, Agnes

    ***

    December 16th

    Dear John:

    Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

    Love Agnes

    ***

    December 17th

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately, Agnes

    ***

    December 18th

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love, Agnes

    ***

    December 19th

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

    Cordially, Agnes

    ***

    December 20th

    John:

    What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

    Sincerely, Agnes

    ***

    December 21st

    OK Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

    Ag

    ***

    December 22nd

    Hey:

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

    From Ag

    ***

    December 23rd

    You Creep!

    Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

    One who means it, Ag

    ***

    December 24th

    Listen Idiot:

    What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

    Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

    ***

    December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    -Merry Christmas

  3. #4113
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    God bless ya, piz...

    ...Let's keep this thread going in his memory.
    Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

  4. #4114
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...


    RIP Piz

  5. #4115

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Esks4ever View Post
    I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...


    RIP Piz


    - - - Updated - - -

    I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

    I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

    He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

    "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little ****!"

    - - - Updated - - -

    I didn't know I was getting old until I saw grey hairs in my son's whiskers.

  6. #4116
    Steve Vale's Avatar
    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  7. #4117

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I'M ABSOLUTELY FUMING, CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
    WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 10X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
    I AM EXTREMELY ANNOYED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON Merry Christmas

  8. #4118

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The 58 year old woman went to her doctor and asked for a prescription for birth control pills.
    "But you don't need them at your age," her GP said.
    But the patient went on to explain that she had tried some recently and realized that she couldn't sleep well without them.
    "But birth control pills have no tranquilizing agent in them" the Doctor informed her.
    "Well, I don't know what they have or what they don't have in them, but I give them to my daughter before she goes out each night, and i'm telling you Doc, that I sleep much, much better."


    Medicinal Knowledge
    The lady teacher asks her pupils what kind of medicines they know of,
    and what they are used for:

    The first pupil said: Panadol?
    Very good! And what is it used for?
    It is used for a headache.

    The second pupil said: Piriton.
    Excellent. And what it is used for?
    To help you sleep.

    Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra.

    So, Johnny, What is it used for?
    I think it can be used to stop diarrhea.
    Who told you this?

    Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
    'Take a Viagra, maybe that little **** will get harder'.

    The teacher had to leave the room!



    Why Men Should NEVER fear being replaced by artificial devices....
    As the evening wore on, and with a few drinks under her belt, the very attractive and well endowed amazon in the tavern was expounding at length on the Women's Liberation Movement and about how she could get along sexually very nicely without any male involvement.
    After he had listened for quite some time to her harangue, the quiet sipper a few bar stools away suddenly interrupted.
    "OK, Miss Smartass" he rumbled, and as he gathered up his courage said, "If your vibrator can do anything a man can do, let's see it pay for the next round of drinks!"

  9. #4119
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Some George Carlin (1937 to 2008) Quotes:

    “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that”.

    “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”

    “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

    “Atheism is a non-profit organization.

  10. #4120
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Some amusing sports quotes:

    “All pro athletes are bilingual, they speak English and profanity”.
    - Gordie Howe

    “Its just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up”.
    - Mohammed Ali

    “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”.
    - Joe Theismann

    “I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers ... I mean Chargers”.
    - Bill Belichick

    “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
    - Rodney Dangerfield

  11. #4121
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

    A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

    I hate those wooden Russian dolls...so full of themselves.

    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

    Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

  12. #4122

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Interesting health fact:

    Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!
    ************************************************** ******************************************

    A guy sees a good looking, we'll built young lady, so he goes to her and asks "may I bite your breasts for $10?" She shreaks "what?? No!" He says "how bout $100?" She replies "no, take a hike!" He says "come on, $1000?" She says "well... ok" so he takes her out of sight, and he's licking and sucking and fondling her breasts. Finally she says "well, hurry up! Are you going to bite them or what?" He says "naw... too expensive!"
    ************************************************** *****************************************

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..*
    He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.*
    Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..*
    The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.*
    The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.*
    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.*
    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.*
    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.*
    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.*
    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.*
    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
    The woman replied, "No. I'm with Revenue Canada."
    ************************************************** ******************************************

    The old don lay on his death bed breathing his last. His young spoiled son sat by his side.*
    "Come closer Vinny." said the old don. "I won't be around much longer now, and you are gonna have to take care a' things. I want you to have my chrome plated revolver; the one with pearl grips."
    Vinny: "I don't want your gun. Whatsa' matter with giving me your watch, instead?"
    The don: "Listen Vinny. Some day you gonna have a beautiful wife and some bambini with her. Nice house, nice cars. You gonna be out makin' money, and you come home early. You climb the stairs and maybe you find a fella in your bed with your wife!"
    "What you gonna do then? Point to you watch, and say: "Hey pal! Time's up!"
    ************************************************** *****************************************
    In the late Fall, the Indians out on the Siksika Nation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
    Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the Old Ways. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his people that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
    He went to the phone booth, called The Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
    'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
    So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called The Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
    'Yes,' the meteorologist again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
    The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
    Two weeks later, the Chief called The Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
    'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
    'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
    The watherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting tons of firewood.'
    ************************************************** ******************************************


    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "Still in the ditch with my Harley."

  13. #4123
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

  14. #4124

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I was walking and talking with a First Nations Elder and as we went along we found a small rock in our path. The elder picked the rock up, looked at it intensely and told me, "This is a very sexual stone". I asked him in amazement how he knew such a thing.

    He looked at me like I was stupid and replied, "It's a F***ing Rock!!!"
    __________________

    A man gets pulled over for speeding, the cop approaches his car and he rolls the window down,*
    Officer; licence and registration please.*
    Driver; sorry officer, I lost my licence after my third DUI, and as for registration, it's not my car, I stole it, but I think I saw it when I put my handgun in the glove box.
    Officer; you've got a gun in the glove box?
    Driver; yes sir, I used it to shoot the owner of the car... she's in the trunk.
    Officer; you've got a BODY in the trunk?*
    Driver; yes sir, I couldn't just leave her in the parking lot.
    Officer, DON'T MOVE!*
    Officer goes back to his car and within minutes 6 squad cars show up with sirens wailing and lights flashing!
    The chief cautiously approaches the drivers window.
    Chief; licence and registration please, driver hands it over, licence is valid, car is registered in his name,*
    Chief; open the glove box please, driver opens glove box, it's empty.
    Chief; pop the trunk please sir,*
    Driver pops the trunk, it's empty... chief approaches the drivers window again and says, I don't understand, the officer who pulled you over said that you had lost your licence, that you'd stolen the car, that you had a handgun in the glove box and a BODY in the trunk!*
    Driver; I'll bet that lying S.O.B said I was speeding too! Didn't he?
    ************************************************** **********************************
    Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
    As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.
    The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
    Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
    Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
    Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
    He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
    ************************************************** ****************************
    A man and woman dated for a long time and they were both very self conscious about something. She had stinky feet, and he had bad breath.
    They would always try to avoid situations where these flaws would be found out by the other person.
    Finally , one day the man asks the woman to marry him. She is concerned that now he will for sure find out about her stinky feet. And he was very worried that she would for sure find out he had bad breath.*
    The first night laying in their bed he pipes up and says, " Honey, I love you dearly but I have been keeping a secret from you. I need to reveal the secret."
    She says," I think I know what your secret is, ... You ate my socks."
    ************************************************** ****************************************
    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a
    quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
    "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
    with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
    That's when I made my mistake."
    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
    "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
    ************************************************** ***********************
    A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
    As the RCMP officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
    ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
    RCMP Patrolmen's Ball."
    He replied, "RCMP patrolmen don't have balls."
    There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
    just said.
    He then closed his book, got back into his car and left.
    ************************************************** ******************
    A pretty redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce
    and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
    mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized,
    she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he
    was a married man. "Oh, Lary," she sobbed at the conclusion
    of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together,
    the way we were meant to be?"
    Taking her by the shoulders, Larry proceeded to scold her
    for her lack of discretion and good judgment. "Snatched drinks
    in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried
    meetings in sordid motels rooms -- is that really what you
    want for us?"
    "No, no..." she sobbed; heartsick.
    "Damn," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

  15. #4125

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    THE RANCH HAND
    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town Saturday night.
    One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
    She quietly called him over to her.
    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
    Trembling, he did as she directed.
    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
    "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
    "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
    "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
    Then she looked deep into his eyes and said, "If you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"
    (P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)

  16. #4126
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    “Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
    -The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

    Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
    Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

    I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

    Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
    Father: Really, what?
    Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

    A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
    The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
    “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25!” the driver defends himself.
    The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
    “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
    The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
    “What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
    “Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

  17. #4127

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
    __________________

  18. #4128

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An Irishman walks into a bar,
    notices a very large jar on the counter,
    and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
    He guesses there's at least thousands of dollars in it.
    He approaches the bartender and asks,
    "What's with the money in the jar?"

    “Well ...
    you pay $10,
    and if you pass three tests,
    you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up,
    so he asks,
    "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first,"
    says the bartender,
    "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while,
    he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay,"
    says the bartender,
    "here's what you need to do:

    First …
    You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
    in 60 seconds or less,
    and you can't make a face while doing it."

    “Second …
    There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth.
    You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

    “Third …
    There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
    You have to take care of that problem."

    The man is stunned!
    “I know I paid my $10,
    but I'm not an idiot!
    I won't do it!
    You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
    and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call,"
    says the bartender,
    "but, your money stays where it is."

    The man has a few more drinks and finally says,
    "Where's the damn tequila?"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands
    and drinks it as fast as he can.
    Tears stream down both cheeks --
    but he doesn't make a face --
    and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next,
    he staggers out the back door
    where the pit bull is chained to a pole.

    Soon,
    the people inside hear loud growling, screaming,
    and sounds of a terrible fight …
    then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
    he staggers back into the bar.
    His clothes are ripped to shreds
    and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He then drunkenly says,

    "Now …
    where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
    ************************************************** ***************************************
    I ordered Chinese food last night, when the Chinese delivery driver drove up and walked up to the house. I walked outside to meet him. He immediately started yelling isolate isolate! I replied relax man your not that late I only ordered the food a half hour ago.

  19. #4129

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

    He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
    'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
    'An ambulance just drove by!'

    'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
    'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

    'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
    'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

    After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

    Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
    Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

    'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

  20. #4130

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Guy with a Stuttering problem
    So there was this guy that goes into a doctors office.

    Doctor walks in and asks, ”So what seems to be the problem today sir?” The guy says “ D,d,d,d doc, I ha ha ha have a stut stut stuttering prob b b blem because my my my p p penis is too too too b b big!"

    Doctor says “No problem! We will remove those extra inches and your problem will disappear!”

    Three weeks post op, buddy goes back to the Doctors office for a follow up. He tells the doctor “Doc! Thank you so much!! I no longer stutter anymore, thank you so much! That`s great the Doc says ,but come back in two weeks for a final check up.weeks!”

    A couple weeks later the guy shows up kinda depressed. He tells the doctor “Hey doc, I don’t stutter anymore I know, but things have kinda fallen on the wayside between my wife and I, she really misses those extra inches. Can you put those inches back?”

    Doctor says “F f,f,f…fu** you!”


    Test Results
    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
    A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

    "Are - my - test - results - back?"

    Nursing home sex
    TRAV is NOW 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

    Every night after dinner, TRAV goes to a secluded garden behind the
    Center to sit and ponder his escapades and long life.

    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
    chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

    After a short lull in their conversation, TRAV turns to Mildred and
    asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

    She asks, 'What?'

    'Sex!!' he replies

    Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
    a gun to your head!'

    'I know,' TRAV says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just
    hold it for a while.'

    Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
    his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
    secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
    Mildred would hold TRAV`S manhood.

    Then one night TRAV didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
    Alarmed, Mildred decided to find TRAV and make sure he was O.K.

    She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
    by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
    TRAV`S manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does
    Ethel have that I don't have?'

    Old TRAV smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'


    Social Distancing
    Apparently running from the police is not considered social distancing. Who knew?




  21. #4131

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license because of my smart mouth..

    Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
    Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
    Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
    Me: "A car."
    Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
    Me:"I have no idea!"
    Officer:"So, you're drunk."
    Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
    Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
    Me:"A motorcycle."
    Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
    Me:"I have no idea!"
    Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
    Annoyed, i asked a counter question.
    Me:"So, you're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
    Officer:"A prostitute of course."
    Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
    Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend..

  22. #4132

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment !" My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day !"

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks", and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still wrapped around her neck,

    Totally satisfied, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What the heck was that all about ?”
    She explained, “The egg timer's broken".

  23. #4133

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
    Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

  24. #4134

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Interesting advice from a professorAlways a way to peak one's interest......


    The professor was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower.

    Then I feel rosy all over.”

    A sleepy voice from the back of the room said,

    "Tell us more about Rosy”.

  25. #4135

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Justin Trudeau walks into a Bank to cash a cheque in front of me one day: As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure to do that sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
    Trudeau: "Truthfully, I didn't bring any "ID" with me as I didn't think there would be any reason, he says, I'm the leader of the Liberal Party, "I am the Prime minister of Canada....
    Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks today because of all the impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID."
    Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
    Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the rules and I must follow them."
    Trudeau: I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
    Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Mike Weir came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Mike Weir he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Mike weir and cashed his cheque for him.
    Another time, Wayne Gretzky came in without ID. He pulled out his hockey stick and made a fabulous shot with a hockey puck it landed in an over turned trash can at the other end of the bank. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
    So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is really you, and only you?"
    Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ummmm "Honestly, my mind is totally blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue." I really don't have a clue.
    Cashier: Says, Ok thanks Will that be large or small bills, Mr Trudeau?"

  26. #4136

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?

    The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers Sure, why not?

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. He turns to the farmer and says: You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.

    That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?

    The young man thinks about it for a second and says Okay, why not?

    You’re a politician says the farmer.

    Wow! That’s correct. But how did you guess that?

    No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

  27. #4137

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Life on the farm
    A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

    "Not yet," said the little boy.


    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

    Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

    "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk as well."

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I ??

  28. #4138

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WARNING ...RANT!
    For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
    Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
    I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
    It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
    Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

  29. #4139

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "Who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent.

    The guy repeats louder "Who slept with my wife?".

    Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "You don't have enough bullets"

  30. #4140
    Join Date
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Sis!! BOOM!! Bah!!!


    Just the sound an exploding sheep makes.
    Once an Eskimo, ALWAYS an Eskimo.

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