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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #3991
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    True. Just check out the Trump thread on this site.
    Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

  2. #3992
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by glenvb View Post
    True. Just check out the Trump thread on this site.
    No thanks.
    In Rod we trust

  3. #3993

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A Heartwarming Lawyer Story:

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

    The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

    Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heartwarming
    lawyer story?

    Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!

  4. #3994
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #3995
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  6. #3996

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from the mouth to the stomach.
    A human hair can hold 3 kg
    The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb
    The femur is as hard as concrete
    A woman's heart beats faster than a man's
    Women blink 2 times as much as men
    We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand
    A woman has read this entire text
    PIZMO ...is still looking at his thumb.

  7. #3997

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Monica Lewinsky drops off her dress at the dry cleaners...come again..no just mustard this time

    - - - Updated - - -

    why do ducks have webbed feet?
    to stomp out forest fires.
    know why elephants have flat feet?
    to stomp out the burning ducks!

    a string walks into a bar, bartender shouts "get out! we don't serve strings in here!"
    so the string strolls outside, ties himself up and messes up his hair, then walks back into the bar.
    the bartender asks "aren't you that string I threw outta here 5 minutes ago??"
    "NOPE! I'm a frayed knot"


    3 dyslexic's walks into a bra

  8. #3998
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  9. #3999
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Women love a man brimming with confidence.

    Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  10. #4000
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Ole and Sven

    Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
    One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
    DA END ISS NEAR!
    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
    BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
    "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
    From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
    Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
    "Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out'?"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  11. #4001
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  12. #4002

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A SON ASKS HIS FATHER FOR A MOTORBIKE
    S. Dad can I have a motorbike
    F. No, I'm buying you a Violin.
    S. But I want a motorbike.
    F. No you are getting a Violin and that's the end of that.

    After a few month of Violin lessons the father says to the son can you play me something on the Violin? He says sure...
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKVplvWqXWI

    - - - Updated - - -

    RIDERS 2019 Spring training camp will be doing crunches twice a day now....
    Captain in the morning, Nestle in the afternoon

    - - - Updated - - -

    Out in Saskatchewan, a farmer and PIZMO were driving down the road and came upon a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence,the farmer jumped out and started having sex with the sheep,after finishing he calls to PIZMO your turn now,so he gets out and sticks his head in the fence.

  13. #4003
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  14. #4004
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  15. #4005
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  16. #4006
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  17. #4007
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

    Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

    "To get my teeth!"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  18. #4008
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    From " The Chive."

    What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common ?

    If you pull the ring , your house is gone.

  19. #4009
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

    Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

    One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!

    "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.

    "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."

    Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"

    "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.

    The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  20. #4010
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Seniors at the coffee shop

    A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop.
    "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
    "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
    "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
    volunteered a third.
    "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!"
    "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to
    which several nodded weakly in agreement.
    "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
    "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
    "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
    slowly shook his head.
    The others nodded in agreement.
    "Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully....
    "Thank God we can all still drive."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  21. #4011
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  22. #4012
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  23. #4013
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  24. #4014
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Some quickies stolen from The Chive :

    Friday was a sad day. The next day was a Sadder Day.

    The people of Saudi Arabia do not like The Flintstones.
    But the people of Abu Dhabi Do.

    Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player ?
    Love means nothing to them.

    I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
    It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

    We need to stop " yo mamma" jokes.
    They're old and been done thousands of times, Just like yo mamma.

  25. #4015
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  26. #4016
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  27. #4017
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid

    One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  28. #4018
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The Bank

    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

    Here is the exchange :

    Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
    Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
    Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
    Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
    Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
    Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
    Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
    Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
    Supervisor gets on the phone:
    Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
    Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
    Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
    Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
    Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
    Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
    After they get the fax :
    Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
    Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
    Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
    (What is wrong with these people?!?)
    Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
    Citibank: 'That might help...'
    Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
    Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
    Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  29. #4019
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  30. #4020
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

    The General replied "1956, ma'am."

    The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."

    The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

    Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..."

    The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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