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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #3931
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    One day an engineer was crossing a road when

    a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  2. #3932
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

    I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

    Everything was going fine, until this one day.

    In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the field. I was shattered, for that wheat was the only source of my livelihood. But nothing could be done now. So I slept, with tears in my eyes.

    But the next day, I read the most shocking headline in the newspaper. The guy who stole my wheat had died of an extreme headache. A headache so severe that his head exploded.

    At first, I couldn't understand how that happened. Then it hit me.

    He had migraine.
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  3. #3933
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

    'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

    The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word, or two?'
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  4. #3934
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

    Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

    “For how much?” The businessman asks.

    “1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

    “1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him.

    “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!”

    “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly.

    “Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out!

    “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.”

    The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?”

    “I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind.

    After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears.

    “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman.

    “I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly.

    The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly:

    “M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  5. #3935
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Fart Football

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".

    His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

    The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

    The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  6. #3936
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, "I have a praise.

    Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

    "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

    We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    (All the men sighed with unified relief.)

    The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

    He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

    "I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  7. #3937
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    This message is URGENT; it came from a PHARMACIST!

    If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says:

    "Made in USA"!

    We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections.
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  8. #3938

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

    They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

    The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

    "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

    The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

    They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

    - - - Updated - - -

    A rather frustrated woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.

    She ended up buying far more than she needed.When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights, and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.

    She could hardly control herself.After she paid, she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.The young man willingly obliged.As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control.

    She placed her hand on the young man s bum and said “ I have an itchy pu$$y “.

    To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is because all these Japanese cars look the same to me.
    Last edited by coach_ditka; 11-27-2018 at 08:41 PM. Reason: blanked out a bad word :(

  9. #3939
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A man visits the council to apply for a job

    During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

    "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

    "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

    The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

    The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles"

    After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day"

    The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?"

    "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  10. #3940
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

    "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.

    "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

    "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

    Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

    "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"

    With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

    "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

    "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"

    "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  11. #3941
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Just taking this joke from The Chive site, thought it was a good one:

    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it at dinner one night.

    The father asks the son what he did that afternoon. The son replies, " I just did some homework."
    The robot slaps the son. The son says," Okay, okay. We were watching porn."

    The father says, " What !!!! At your age I didn't know what porn was."
    The robot slaps the father.

    Mom laughs and says, "Wow, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.

  12. #3942
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

    The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

    So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

    This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

    He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  13. #3943
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Man has to go to the doctor...

    The doctor asking: What is your problem? Answer: I got a green dick...

    The doctor grabs a book and returns to the man. He looks it up and he‘s saying: “Here we go, Brown dick, needs to be amputated...Grey dick, needs to be amputated...Blue dick, needs to be amputated too.“

    The man is getting nervous and starts to sweat.

    “And finally we got it“ said the doctor, “Green dick, dont needs to be amputated.“ The man is relieved until the doctor said: “Drops off by itself“
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  14. #3944
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room .
    Taking off down the motor-way , he floored it to 90 , enjoying the wind blowing through . Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him , blue light flashing, siren blaring . ''I can get away from him - no problem!'' He floored it to 130 , then 140 ...then 150 ... Suddenly, he thought , '' What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him . Pulling in behind him , the officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm for the weekend , If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go'' The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman , I thought you were bringing her back"
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  15. #3945
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Rider fan.

    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Rider fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

    "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

    "Because I'm not a Rider fan, " she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a Rider fan, what sport are you a fan of?

    "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied.

    The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? "

    "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!"

    "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?

    Mary smiled, and said...............

    "then I'd be a Rider fan."
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  16. #3946
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  17. #3947
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An Australian ventriloquist visits NZ

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

    He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

    'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

    Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

    Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

    Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

    Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

    Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

    Dog: 'Yep'

    Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

    Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

    Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

    Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

    Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

    Horse: 'Cool'

    Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

    Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

    Horse: 'Yep'

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

    Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

    Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

    Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

    Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

  18. #3948
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
    One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
    no phone and internet for 36 hrs due to windstorm. life was hell.

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