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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .
    In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact."

    But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through.

    From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

    The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

    "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  2. #3962

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A little boy was sitting on the toilet when he yelled to his Mom.

    "Mom, can you get me some Viagra?"

    "Why on Earth do you need Viagra?"

    "Isn't that what you give Dad when his ****s not hard?"

    Dont forget Kids listen to everything.

    - - - Updated - - -

    There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
    She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."
    One of the guys said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
    "N," she answered.

    - - - Updated - - -

    One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

    Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

    The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

    Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

    Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

    A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

    They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

    To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

    "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

    The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

    "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

    "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

    "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #3965

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

    Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
    Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
    Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
    Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
    Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
    Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
    Warden: well this I got to see!!
    A little while later...
    Warden: well??
    Man: what?
    Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
    Man: what fish??

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    wife to husband : I have blisters on my hands from the broom

    husband replies : next time take the car , Silly

    It was a lovely service with a closed casket

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

    While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.

    “Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

    The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

    There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”

    Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM.

    Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  11. #3971

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    When I was young I had the discussion with my parents about where I came from. My Dad explained that we all came from Adam and Eve. He said Adam and Eve had kids and those kids had kids and those kids had kids and eventually we came to be.

    I asked my Dad, " Then why does Mom say we evolved from apes?"

    Dad replied, " Oh, that's your mom's side of the family."

  12. #3972
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    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Roses are red,
    Violets are pluckable,
    No woman ever said,
    Donald Trump is....nice.
    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

  13. #3973

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    What’s the difference between fish and meat?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    If you beat your fish it dies.

    - - - Updated - - -

    So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log.
    After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonight?"
    Jon says "Sure is Judi".
    Judi says "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonight".
    Jon says "Sure is Judi".
    After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my
    ear".
    So Jon leans over and whispers "'oatmeal'".

    - - - Updated - - -

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Anyone who thinks he or she is stupid, stand up."
    Not a student moved, the class is silent.
    A minute went by, and little Johnny finally stood up.
    The teacher asked, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
    "No, ma'am," he said, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Little Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
    Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?"
    The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
    Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
    The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your flippin' trousers backwards."

    - - - Updated - - -

    So this lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out.....caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out
    back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
    Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up. Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
    The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
    She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
    Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

    - - - Updated - - -

    https://www.facebook.com/JuliaGilasO...2185931040929/

    Not sure if this works here, if it does, it is FUNNY

  14. #3974

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)


  15. #3975
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A couple from The Chive:

    A man who recognizes his mistakes when wrong is wise.
    A man that recognizes his mistake when right is married.

    Just been visiting an obesity awareness website and it is asking me if I accept cookies.
    Is that a trick question ?

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Juggler

    A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
    While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
    The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Seniors sex study

    The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.
    They revealed that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
    This news came as a shock to me and my golf buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The pianist

    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
    He sits down and places the bag on the counter
    The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter.
    He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well.
    He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
    "Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
    This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
    He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it."
    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
    "I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
    The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
    A few moments later a duck walks into the bar.
    Another duck, then another soon follows it.
    Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
    The bartender turns to the man and says,
    "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
    I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
    The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  21. #3981

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The Creation Story as told by a dog.

    On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
    On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
    On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
    On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
    On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
    On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
    On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

    - - - Updated - - -

    So I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the mental patients were shouting.. 13...13...13...13!

    The fence was too high to look over so I found a little gap in the boards and looked through the gap to see what was going on. All of a sudden some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

    Then all the mental patients starts shouting... 14...14...14...14!

  22. #3982
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  23. #3983

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Jasiu wants to swim and asks the lifeguard for permission:
    - Can I swim in this pool?
    - You must show me how good you are at swimming first.
    Jasiu begins. He makes flips, swims, dives. Finally, the lifeguard asks:
    - Where did you learn to swim like this?
    - Dad would throw me out into the middle of the lake.
    - It was probably hard to reach the shore?
    - No - says Jasiu. The hardest part was getting out of the bag...

    - - - Updated - - -

    I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

    The cashier said : “hardback?”

    I said: “yeah and little heads”

    - - - Updated - - -

    Walking around the farmers market the other day and there was a guy selling Viagra, he said come on buddy give it a try, I said why, he said it will put a little lead in your pencil
    I said no thanks buddy I've go nobody to write to

    - - - Updated - - -

    What do you get when you combine viagra and rogaine?

    Don King!

    - - - Updated - - -

    What is the difference between light and hard?


    You can fall asleep with a light on.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Mrs.Pizmo texted me today and told me "It’s been cold for days now Coach Ditka and my Pizmo seems very depressed by it." He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A woman was in a coma for months.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

    They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

    The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"

    The husband said, "I think she choked."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  25. #3985
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    Steve Vale is offline Wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive.
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A woman is playing golf and is stung by a bee. She goes to see a doctor, who asks where she was stung:

    Woman: Between the first and second hole. Doctor: Wow, you must have a very wide stance.
    There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

    At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  27. #3987

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my
    coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

    Cabbie: "Oh there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."

    - - - Updated - - -

    A lady went into a bar in Regina, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
    He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
    The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
    The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady.
    Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
    The next morning she handed him a $100 bill .
    Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
    Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
    'Don't be flattered... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

    - - - Updated - - -

    A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "

    "Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

    "Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, I've joined the Liberal party, and I'm going to work on Justin's re-election campaign!' ”

    - - - Updated - - -

    A hooded robber burst into a bank in Regina, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

    On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

    He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

    Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

    The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

    There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.

    Then, one old farmer tentatively raised his hand without looking up said, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya."

  28. #3988
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    never mind
    Last edited by pizmo; 02-24-2019 at 06:17 AM.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  29. #3989
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  30. #3990
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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