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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4021
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

    Turns out it's tomorrow.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  2. #4022
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Again a few from The Chive :

    A husband asked his wife, " why don't you tell me when you orgasm ? "
    She replied, " I don't like calling you at work."

    My girlfriend has schizophrenia. Which is funny, because I don't have a girlfriend.

    Who would Jay Z have married if he was a sailor ? Bouyancy.

    What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish ? Swimming trunks.

    I hope death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

    A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How do you know which one is the hooker ? The one whose sack reads " Idaho."

    How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb ? Too.

  3. #4023
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)



    my kind of language
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  4. #4024
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #4025
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  6. #4026
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
    My wife grew up on Cdn military bases all over Europe. Over there FIAT is jokingly referred as "Fix It Again Tony".

  7. #4027
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  8. #4028
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  9. #4029
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

    The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.

    ​“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will do anything I ask in the bedroom.”

    ​“Oh,” replies the young man. “Well, that doesn’t sound bad at all. Why are you sitting here crying?”

    ​“Because,” the old man sobs loudly, “I can’t remember where the hell I live!”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  10. #4030
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

    His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

    The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

    A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

    ​After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”

    Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”

    The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”

    The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  11. #4031
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

    After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village.

    The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard.

    Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?"

    Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! "

    Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists... Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life?

    Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! "

    Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? "

    Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine.

    Gramps: "........ One day I got lost in the forest..... "
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  12. #4032

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 platnium pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old. The salesperson a nice looking lady sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

    She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.

    Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

    I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Stranded Irishman
    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
    Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
    "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
    "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
    He opened the flask and took a long drink.
    "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
    She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
    "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!?!"

  13. #4033
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  14. #4034
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Involuntary Muscular Contractions

    A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ******* is doing, while you're having an orgasm?'

    She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

    It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.....
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  15. #4035
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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