Page 135 of 135 FirstFirst ... 3585125133134135
Results 4,021 to 4,031 of 4031

Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4021
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

    Turns out it's tomorrow.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  2. #4022
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    5,189
    vCash
    1000
    Rep Power
    353

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Again a few from The Chive :

    A husband asked his wife, " why don't you tell me when you orgasm ? "
    She replied, " I don't like calling you at work."

    My girlfriend has schizophrenia. Which is funny, because I don't have a girlfriend.

    Who would Jay Z have married if he was a sailor ? Bouyancy.

    What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish ? Swimming trunks.

    I hope death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

    A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How do you know which one is the hooker ? The one whose sack reads " Idaho."

    How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb ? Too.

  3. #4023
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)



    my kind of language
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  4. #4024
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  5. #4025
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  6. #4026
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    5,189
    vCash
    1000
    Rep Power
    353

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
    My wife grew up on Cdn military bases all over Europe. Over there FIAT is jokingly referred as "Fix It Again Tony".

  7. #4027
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  8. #4028
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  9. #4029
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

    The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.

    ​“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will do anything I ask in the bedroom.”

    ​“Oh,” replies the young man. “Well, that doesn’t sound bad at all. Why are you sitting here crying?”

    ​“Because,” the old man sobs loudly, “I can’t remember where the hell I live!”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  10. #4030
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

    His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

    The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

    A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

    ​After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”

    Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”

    The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”

    The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  11. #4031
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    New Brunswick
    Posts
    12,621
    vCash
    1181
    Rep Power
    361

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

    After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village.

    The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard.

    Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?"

    Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! "

    Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists... Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life?

    Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! "

    Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? "

    Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine.

    Gramps: "........ One day I got lost in the forest..... "
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •