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Thread: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

  1. #4021
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

    Turns out it's tomorrow.
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  2. #4022
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Again a few from The Chive :

    A husband asked his wife, " why don't you tell me when you orgasm ? "
    She replied, " I don't like calling you at work."

    My girlfriend has schizophrenia. Which is funny, because I don't have a girlfriend.

    Who would Jay Z have married if he was a sailor ? Bouyancy.

    What do you get if you cross an elephant and a fish ? Swimming trunks.

    I hope death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

    A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How do you know which one is the hooker ? The one whose sack reads " Idaho."

    How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb ? Too.

  3. #4023
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)



    my kind of language
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  4. #4024
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “ May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  6. #4026
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Quote Originally Posted by pizmo View Post
    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons"

    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law."

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
    My wife grew up on Cdn military bases all over Europe. Over there FIAT is jokingly referred as "Fix It Again Tony".

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  8. #4028
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  9. #4029
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

    The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.

    ​“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will do anything I ask in the bedroom.”

    ​“Oh,” replies the young man. “Well, that doesn’t sound bad at all. Why are you sitting here crying?”

    ​“Because,” the old man sobs loudly, “I can’t remember where the hell I live!”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  10. #4030
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

    His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

    The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

    A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

    ​After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”

    Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”

    The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”

    The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  11. #4031
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.

    After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village.

    The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard.

    Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?"

    Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! "

    Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists... Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life?

    Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! "

    Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? "

    Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine.

    Gramps: "........ One day I got lost in the forest..... "
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  12. #4032

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new 2019 F-150 platnium pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old. The salesperson a nice looking lady sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest.

    She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a CONSERVATIVE truck.

    Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a CONSERVATIVE truck. "I explained that if it were a LIBERAL truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

    I had to walk back to the dealership, but it was worth it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Stranded Irishman
    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
    Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
    "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
    "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
    He opened the flask and took a long drink.
    "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
    She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
    "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!?!"

  13. #4033
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  14. #4034
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Involuntary Muscular Contractions

    A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ******* is doing, while you're having an orgasm?'

    She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

    It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.....
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  15. #4035
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  16. #4036
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  17. #4037

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Truedeau was looking for a call girl. (Since we know how much he respects women). He found such girls in a local pub in Ottawa. A blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

    To the blonde he proclaimed I am the Prime Minister of Canada! Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied $200.00. To the brunette he asked the same question, and her reply was $100.00. He then asked the red head.

    Her reply was Mr. Prime minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the seniors.

    Then you can have it for free, like the immigrants.

  18. #4038
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  19. #4039

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A man, called to testify at the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA),
    asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

    "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think
    you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

    Then he asked his lawyer the same question
    but got the opposite advice.

    "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
    your most elegant suit and tie."

    Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
    advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma.
    "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

    "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
    to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long,
    flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck."

    But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
    advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with
    a V neck right down to your navel."

    The man protested: "What does all this have
    to do with my problem with the CRA?"

    "Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter
    what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

    HAPPY TAX RETURNS !!!!

  20. #4040
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  21. #4041

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Billy Graham was returning home after a speaking engagement.

    When his plane arrived at the airport, there was a long black limousine to transport him.

    Just as he was about to get in the back of the limo, he stopped.

    He whispered to the driver who was holding the door open for him. “You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

    The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

    Billy got into the driver’s seat and they headed out to the interstate.

    Lurking behind an exit ramp a short distance from the airport, sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

    The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out in pursuit and easily caught the limo. He pulled up behind, and got out of his North Carolina State patrol car.

    The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door. When the window was rolled down he was very surprised to see who was driving.

    Trying desperately to maintain his professional attitude, he immediately excused himself and walked back to his car and called his supervisor.

    He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

    The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

    The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

    The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the President.”

    The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

    The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

    The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

  22. #4042
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
    The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  23. #4043
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  24. #4044
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  25. #4045
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  27. #4047
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "reddit, reddit, reddit”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  28. #4048
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

    “Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

    Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”

    The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.

    The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.

    Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”

    CRACK

    The boulder immediately splits in half.

    “Aw **** this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”

    Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”

    The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.

    “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with

    “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”

    “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”

    CRACK

    The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.

    Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”

    CRACK

    Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.

    The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”

    The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  29. #4049
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

    "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

    "That was a fine story Sarah. “Joey, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

    "Stay the **** away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.”
    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

  30. #4050
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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

    WALTER IS MY HERO!!

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